Day 44
beginning
Spring is a good time to reflect on beginnings. In the mountains especially, where winter is long and deep, and you spend months in a white hibernation, Spring comes like a shock of pleasure. It is like the burst of sweetness when you bite into an apple, making your teeth hurt. I feel a surge of energy some mornings when I realize I can walk outside in just one layer of clothing. I am welcomed and warmed by the intense high-altitude sun. The green that seems to be suddenly everywhere feels warm against my eyes, the color of this beginning.
I have experienced so many beginnings in my little life. The beginning of memories: My grandfather holding me at his mother’s funeral. His emotion in that moment was so intense that I stored every detail, the dress I was wearing, the feel of his hands on my fair, tiny arms, the sound of his cracking grief-laden voice; I created my first memory, the beginning of a deep space where the most important moments of my life are treasured away. The beginning of adulthood: A great leap across state lines to a place where I knew no one and had nothing more than the couch of a relative stranger and a part-time job. The beginning of motherhood: A beautiful baby boy and who brought with him an immeasurable love. The beginning of my creative life, which happens every time I start an art or craft project, or begin a sentence.
Middle-life brings about a sharp awareness that our projects, our places, our communities, our roles; they close like doors behind us. We begin and begin and begin, but these days I can see that there are endings too; a fact that just makes the apple sweeter.
