Day 69
marriage
I once described my first marriage as a river I was crossing by jumping from one stone to the next. The stones were so close at first that I barely had to reach to get from one to the next. Then, as the relationship progressed, the stones were further and further apart. I was jumping, then leaping, then wading through cold water to get from one stone to the next. It was when I crawled up out of the water, drenched and exhausted, and realized I had made the last half of the journey alone, that I knew my marriage was over.
Looking back, I still taste the abandonment and the loneliness that settled into my bones at the end. I remember the rage and the grief. I also see that I was so focused on getting across the river that it took a long time for me to notice that I was doing it alone. I’m not even sure exactly when or where he and I parted ways.
So, this time, in this marriage, I am taking it slow. I realize now that getting across is not the goal. The goal is to hold his hand tight, to remember to look into his eyes and not take for granted that I “know” him, that he will always be there. I try not to take too many steps without him, and to let him know when I feel like he is getting ahead of me. The goal is to stay together, even if we never make it across. Like the best things in this life, marriage is not something two people accomplish together, but a journey they take together. Every moment that they remain together, that they hold each other’s eyes, steadying their lover before taking another step, is an accomplishment.
