Day 21
discipline
Day 21: I slept in and missed my morning reading/writing routine. I worked a long day that ended in a two hour meeting. I have no desire to write, no feelings of inspiration. I am just tapped and tired. But here I am, knocking out a few paragraphs—exercising my atrophied creative muscles; doing. This is called discipline, I believe. I’m not very familiar with it. Never had much of it, ask my mom.
You see, discipline is that middle part of things. After the exciting part where you discover something new you want to do or experience, and the part where you initially engage it all gung-ho. It is the part before the moment that you find yourself doing something extraordinary as if you had always been doing it. It is the stupid, sucky, lame-ass part where you just do and do and do and do, and try not to hate it. Not my favorite part by a long shot.
But, here in the middle of my life I am feeling the effects of this lack of discipline rather acutely. I can no longer procrastinate the hard stuff until later, I have to admit that my body is simply not going to get more fit or more capable through my wishing it so, and I cannot see myself spending the second half of my life regretting that I didn’t achieve more, or experience more because I lacked the discipline! I guess this means I have to find the will, the desire, the courage to do and do and do and do… Hence this project.
I have always dreaded the day that writing became a chore and have held it at bay until today: Day 21. Here we are at that moment when I am not “feeling” it and yet…I write. I am not “wanting” it, and yet, I write. Here is that nugget of truth that every parent, spouse and caregiver (and apparently writer) confronts eventually: love is a verb. If you love someone or something, you don’t just love when it’s easy, and you don’t just say you love. In fact, love is that thing that happens when you don’t say anything at all. Love is do and do and do and do. And so, I write.
