Day 80
modesty
I was in a conversation with my mom yesterday about why we dressed rebelliously (immodestly) in our teens and early twenties. More specifically we were talking about what we were taught about our bodies and modesty, and how it felt to ignore that and wear short skirts, etc.
It struck me that when I was young and showing off my young body, I wasn’t consciously rebelling. I remember simply enjoying the power that I felt when there were desirous eyes on me, and also felt confident that I would withhold myself from them. In short, I was a tease.
I definitely feel more guilt and shame about the way I actually used their objectification to feel powerful. I was not a disempowered young woman. I had a good education, was praised by all who care for me for my beauty, my intelligence and my maturity. There was something about the fact that by revealing a bit more of my body, I could push buttons in men and watch them squirm a bit, without giving anything away.
While I definitely believe that women cannot take responsibility for the objectifying thoughts of others, and definitely not for the degrading language or violence that might be perpetrated when the buttons are pushed, I look back and see how I was, even then, using my body as a tool to elicit reactions and feelings in others and in myself to increase my own sense of power. As I still often do, I thought of my body as nothing more than a tool for getting validation and approval, or any kind of attention.
This is just another way that a culture of commodification and capitalism has taken root in me; and these roots are insidious. It has taught me that my body is a thing to dress up, to show off, to elicit whatever kind of attention that I want. What’s worse; at this point in my life, when no amount of make-up or flattering fit is going to get that attention, I question my own beauty and worth. This body of mine allows me to make love, to walk a mile through the woods, to move a kayak through the water, to work, to play, to speak, to write, even to formulate thought…is that not enough?
