Day 79
vocation
It can mean simply what one does for employment. But it can also mean a strong call, summons, inclination, impulsion towards a specific career for which one is particularly suited. It is often used in relation to the priesthood or other religious careers. I think this is because sometimes one is drawn to something in a way that feels like they are being summoned by a force beyond them. At the same time, they realize they are particularly good at the thing they are drawn so intensely towards. They may be acutely aware of the compromises and sacrifices inherent in choosing that path, but find such joy in the idea of doing it, that they can’t bring themselves to make a more “pragmatic” choice involving money or security for instance. This tension and drama deserve a word like vocation. It is a word that describes doing what one is meant to do, to the extent that one is meant to do what one loves most and is good at.
I have tried and succeeded, many times, in giving my vocation the slip. But I think it may have finally cornered me and I may now have to sit down with the pen and accept my fate. The truth is that all these years reading and obsessing over language has pushed me towards writing. I have no idea what that means for my future. I know it doesn’t mean I have to write. But it means that if I’m going to be honest with myself, I’m going to have to admit that there will be moments when the only path to my happiness or fulfillment involves writing. What I write and why and for who are questions with only one answer: “to be determined.” The important thing, I believe now, is to keep writing.
